I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
