Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
