I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
