I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
