you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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