Best friends brother. Beat that.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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