I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
