In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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