I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
