my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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