i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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