I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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