I met the friendliest cop last night
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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