I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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