...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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