did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
