It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I had to cum in my sink.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
