There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's blow job season.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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