who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize