I love black thongs
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
