he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I deserve this hangover.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
