I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You dont lie about slip and slides
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
