fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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