I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
