paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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