he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize