what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
