im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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