The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
