Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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