My hand turned me down
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
