She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
