If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
