I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
