is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
