Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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