You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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