I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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