the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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