Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
