I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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