Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Nicole vs. Life
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
