Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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