dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
i now understand why vodka
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
