Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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