Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
