I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I AM VODKA MAN
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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