May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
