so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
the liver wants what the liver wants
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
