two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
