I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
