I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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