angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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