Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
