I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
When did angry sex become our thing?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
