I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
