I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
