Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize