My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
