I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
