Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
