even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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