dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
